


Warriors' Choice

by MeganMoonlight



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Doubt, Dragon Age Kink Meme, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3800761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeganMoonlight/pseuds/MeganMoonlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maxwell Trevelyan has been overcome with self doubt. He really needed to get away and Bull's room was always open for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Warriors' Choice

Maxwell was sitting on the roof of the Herald’s Rest, looking at the training grounds.

Numerous torches, along with the fire spells used by the mages who agreed to help with the training, illuminated the grounds making it possible to see everything clearly. Their newest recruits were still there, training, fighting, preparing to get better, even if the sun had already set some time ago. The warriors, the rouges and the mages, all working side by side and helping each other. They were working together to get better, to help the Inquisition; every single one of them determined to show what they're capable of. That is an admirable thing.

All of them were ready to give their lives to listen to the Inquisitor’s orders and defeat Corypheus. They believed in the Inquisition. They believed in the Inquisitor. In Maxwell, the person who just wanted to do what is right. But would it really be enough?

Maxwell shook his head, resigned. That was enough. He didn’t have his staff with him, so he quickly got up, climbed up the roof of the building and jumped on the nearest wall. He needed to get away. Right now. Looking at all those people had been much more difficult after the recent reports from Leliana and Cullen. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and seeing all of them...

He went to the main entrance to the castle and through the great hall, which was still filled with people visiting Skyhold, even if it was definitely less crowded than during the day. The mosaic created by colourful clothes of people from Orlais, Ferelden, and possibly other places as well, made the whole hall seem much smaller than it was. It also made Maxwell feel uneasy. He tried to smile at the visiting ambassadors and noblemen, but it was very challenging right then, when being in the crowded room was the last place where he wanted to be. If he tried hard enough maybe he could swiftly push his way between people standing by the walls...

The position of the Inquisitor, however, was a difficult one. It was nearly impossible to escape from the view and the attention, doesn't matter how much he had tried. He managed to dodge some questions, and politely decline Lady Seryl’s offers to visit her summer mansion when he had some time, as he turned his head to look at the main door. 

He had to change his plan. His room was exactly where people would look for him, after all. On any other day he wouldn't mind, but right then.... he just needed to get away from all of this, before he completely lost it in front of people and had to talk Josephine into issuing an official apology for accidental using Chain Lightning on the visiting nobles. No one wanted that. And he didn’t even want to imagine Josephine’s reaction. He backed out and after nodding at the ambassadors leaving the building, he went to the tavern again.

Feeling cool air on his face, Maxwell breathed in. It was pleasant to actually fell the fresh air after leaving a crowded building. He was about to open the door when he noticed Scout Harding sitting on the bench next to the tavern.

"Inquisitor," she greeted him, smiling sympathetically. "I saw you going to the castle earlier. Now you’re back and, if you don’t mind me saying, you don't look so good."

"Listening to people talk about their problems and ideas how to improve the Inquisition can be a bit overwhelming. Especially when the ambassadors want their people to have it better than the others," he tried for a smile, but did not succeed. Harding snorted, but she smiled back. “Honestly? I think I’d prefer to fight Hurloks instead.”

"I'm sure you would," she glanced at the door to the tavern and then at Maxwell again. "If you want you can go inside. If anyone comes looking for you, I’ll just tell people you went to check on our progress and resources. I think the Seeker would understand if you took a night off. Would that help?"

If anyone was looking for him? Cassandra? Why would... right. Of course. In the morning he had talked to Cassandra and she had mentioned wanting to consult him and Cullen on something she had found in the letter she had received. Apparently it wasn’t anything urgent, but he had promised to meet with her and now... honestly? He really didn’t feel up to it at the moment.

Max sighed, relaxing a bit. Harding’s idea did sound good. "If you wouldn't mind?"

"Why would I?” she asked. “I’ll be staying here for a while anyway, so it wouldn’t be a problem.”

"If you see Cassandra, will you tell her I’ll meet her tomorrow? I’ll appreciate it." 

“I will. Good night, Inquisitor,”

“Good night.”

Maxwell nodded at her again and entered the building. The interior was warmed by the candle light and Maryden singing “Empress of Fire.” Numerous people still sitting there were laughing and talking, some sitting closer to Maryden tried singing with her, with various results.

Yes, he knew people definitely saw him come in and even now some were still looking at him, nodding in greeting. Hopefully, he'd still be able to take a break from everything. He just... really needed to get away.

Iron Bull and Krem were not sitting in their usual spots, nor were any of the other members of the Bull’s team, for that matter, and only then Maxwell remembered that the Chargers were supposed to go to training that day. Bull had told him of their plans a few nights earlier. Maxwell decided to go to Bull's room anyway.

As he laid down on the bed, he covered his eyes with his arm, sighing.

Maxwell still couldn't get the earlier reports out of his head and it was overpowering. Every time he closed his eyes the words "dead", "patrol", "innocent", "attack", "loss" appeared in his head all over again. In his mind he saw hundreds of dead soldiers and recruits, fallen Wardens, killed by darkspawn and the Red Templars. Blood, death, lifeless bodies lying everywhere and he couldn't help. He was... useless.

Hundreds of people dead because of his decisions, his plans... all of this was his fault. Those people, people who believed in him, were now gone. Some bodies would probably not even be found, nor given back to their families. If he couldn’t even do that for them then...

He felt his throat tighten at the thought.

Maxwell Trevelyan failed them. He failed people who had trusted him to make the right choice. And outside, on the training grounds, there were others who still wanted to follow him.

He tightened a grip on the bed sheet. It was all a huge mistake. He was a mistake... he was...

"Boss, what are you doin' here?"

Maxwell sighed, trying to control his uneven breathing, but did not sit up to look at Iron Bull. He didn't even open his eyes. He couldn't. Not right then.

"I... I just... it's calmer here," he said finally, not knowing what else to say.

Bull did not answer and Maxwell wasn’t sure what to think about that. Hearing the door closing, he assumed that Bull left again, but apparently not. He came back and locked the door. Only then Maxwell finally opened his eyes. Bull was holding a tankard in one hand, in the other he was holding his axe, which he put against the wall next to the bed. When he sat down, the bed dipping with his weight, Maxwell moved a bit closer, looking at the tankard.

"It's water. Drink it."

Maxwell sat up slowly and realised his head was spinning a bit. As he took the tankard, his fingers brushed Bull's gently. Bull’s hands were incredibly warm. Maxwell held the tankard for a while, putting it on one knee for support, because he had no idea if he could drink. His throat still felt tight. Bull only kept looking at him, waiting for Maxwell to talk, never pushing him.

Finally, Maxwell took a few sips of water. It felt like more than he could handle, but the water was pleasantly cool and refreshing. Giving the tankard back to Bull, Maxwell rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling tired. So very tired.

He heard Bull drink some water as well then set the tankard on the floor. They sat in silence for some time. Maxwell was not aware how long exactly, but Bull's presence by his side was warm and comforting, letting him relax. Bull had that effect on him. 

"I failed, Bull," he said quietly, running his hand through his hair, irritated. It was even more difficult to actually say those words out loud. He couldn't even open his eyes to look at Bull right then. "I failed them. They believed in me and I failed them. They’re dead. They all counted on me and I led them to death."

He felt Bull's big hand on his back right then, and he leaned back against it right away, knowing that Bull would support him. It was an instinctive reaction by then, really. Bull moved his hand in small circles, soothing him and Maxwell released a breath he did not realize he was holding.

"Cullen and Leliana gave me new reports earlier. More people died. Bull, I... I don’t know what to do. How to handle it. Right now it’s all just..."

"Kadan, look at me."

Maxwell did.

"First of all, you need to breathe," he said quietly, his tone was reassuring but at the same time certain and self-assured, and it made Maxwell feel a bit more secure. “They were prepared warriors...”

"Not all of them,” Maxwell said, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. “Some of them were just recruited; it might have been their first mission.”

“I know this is hard, but I’m pretty sure our people are aware of what we’re fighting for. Cullen and the spymaster train with them and they choose who goes on missions, right?”

“But these people trusted me and if not for my decision they would have never..."

"Maybe, maybe not. And yeah, they do trust you to lead ‘em and the Inquisition. But you know what? It's still their decision to do so," Bull moved his hand from Maxwell’s back to the nape of his neck, still keeping his touch gentle. "It's their choice to help and fight alongside you. Yeah, it is scary. Being the boss always is. You need to trust ‘em, though, you know. They know what they're doing here. They want to fight and know the risks. And they still choose to fight. They are warriors."

Maxwell swallowed.

"We lost two more patrols," he looked down at his hand and the mark visible there. The anchor. The constant reminder of what he has to do and how it changed his life; how much responsibility it put on him. "I sent three near the Hissing Wastes to help with transporting the dragonthorn, lazurite and whatever else they managed to collect, and to keep an eye open on the Venatori activity. Two of them got caught in a trap near the Canyon Tomb. The third one came too late to help them. Leliana had had other plan, you know? She said that we could send her spies to see if the route is safe instead and then send the rest. If I had waited longer, listened to her and sent the spies first, then maybe the patrols..."

"They still could have ended up captured or even crushed by giants at the Emerald Graves, or attacked by darkspawn at the Western Approach and at the Storm Coast,” Bull told him seriously, still massaging the skin of his neck and running his fingers through short hair there. “And it could have been the Spymaster or Cullen who might have had sent them there in the first place, not you. The Hissing Wastes are still full of Venatori, but the warriors had fought and killed many of them anyway, yeah?"

"Yes. They did," Maxwell nodded, still uncertain, but he leaned against Bull's side anyway. "After we found out about the ambush and searched the area for survivors later, one of Leliana's men found a note with locations of a couple of important Venatori camps. Someone managed to write it down," he added quietly.

"See? They did their job. They knew where they are going. Without ‘em we probably wouldn't have found out about these camps," he said, his hand moving from Maxwell’s neck and sneaking around his waist instead. "When the Spymaster checks everything we can plan what to do next. And then we'll kick some 'vint asses."

Maxwell bit his lip worriedly, but glanced at Bull, catching his eye. He was still calm and composed, supporting Maxwell and keeping him close.

It was true, after all. If the information from the note proves to be right and not another trap prepared by the Venatori, there were high chances it would definitely move their search forward and help to secure the Hissing Wastes. Without the person who, even when captured and probably fighting for their life, still managed to take a risk and write down what they found out, it wouldn't be possible. 

"I... I know. You're right," Maxwell sighed and rubbed his eyes, tiredly. "It's just... I’m responsible for them. They all look up to me. Listen to me. Only because of... this," he looked at the mark on his hand again.

"Not only because of this, Kadan,” Bull covered his hand with his own. “Come here."

Maxwell let himself be manoeuvred around so that he was sitting in Bull's lap, facing him. Bull's hands were on Maxwell’s hips, steadying him, so he in turn wrapped his arms around Bull's neck. It was comforting.

"Yes, they follow you, but because they chose to. You're strong, you gave ‘em hope and that's why they're ready to fight. That's what's important for them, you know. Shit, you fought so hard and you freed the mages in the process," he said, and Maxwell saw that Bull meant every word. "Yeah, we can't predict everything, and we can mess up, but guess what? We can still go on."

Maxwell closed his eyes and leaned in, touching his forehead to Bull's, breathing deeply. Bull was warm against him and in that moment he felt like he could stay like this forever.

Bull was right, of course. In his head, he knew this. He did. But it was still difficult to convince his conscience. The anxiety was still there and he knew it won’t leave anytime soon. Because how could he get all the images out of his head? He’d never forget about those people and what had happened to them. He knew some of them, he probably talked to them at some point, fought beside them, and just thinking about them being gone was difficult. All of this just wouldn't go away. The blood, the loss, the nightmares...

"I meant it, you know,” Bull’s voice brought him back and he opened his eyes. “After everything is checked out at the Hissing Wastes, we could take the boys and show these 'vints who they messed with. Getting some action would make everyone feel a bit better."

Only then Maxwell felt one side of his mouth turning into a weird half-smile and a smirk appeared on Bull’s face as well. 

"Getting some action, huh?” Bull’s eyes were sparkling and his enthusiasm was very contagious. He brought his mouth closer to Bull’s. “I bet Krem, Skinner and Rocky would really like that.”

"Yup. The assholes won't know what hit 'em," Bull agreed and kissed Maxwell firmly, one hand moving from Maxwell’s hip to the small of his back, fingers sneaking under the tunic to touch his skin. 

They stayed like that for a while, kissing, just enjoying each other’s closeness. As Maxwell broke the kiss and rested his head on Bull’s large shoulder, his eyes closed again. He felt like he would fall right down if he tried standing up, so he didn’t even try. Fortunately, he knew Bull would not mind him staying the night...

As if reading his mind, Bull helped him take the clothes off and after they laid down, put a blanket over them. Maxwell relaxed as Bull moved closer, pressing kisses to his neck and shoulders before settling against his back, wrapping one arm around Maxwell’s waist.

Josephine, Leliana and Cullen could handle everything for a while, if anything happened. Right now he was too tired to move and staying in bed, with Bull's arms around him and his breath in Maxwell's hair, was exactly what he needed.

He couldn't just forget that he was responsible for so many, for everyone who might decide to join the Inquisition. Each of his decisions had consequences, but at least he wasn't alone in this.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [*THIS*](http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/13429.html?thread=51574133) prompt at [Dragonage-Kink](http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/).  
> This prompt caught my eye right away and I knew I had to write something for it sooner or later. I decided to give it a try. Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks for beta to **[lil-1337](http://lil-1337.livejournal.com/)**.


End file.
